Ninety Minutes In The Head Of The Over Thinker

Foreword: This is another cleaning out of my archives posts and probably one of the more personal essays I have written. It does have some angst agression poured into it, as I was going through some weird stuff. I was still frustrated at a realtionship that failed months before and at the ex, I was mad at my self for being over cautious on everything, and I thought I found the girl of my dreams. While I wont tell you how things worked out with her. I will tell you I resolved my frustrations, because days after writing this my ex contacted me and I worked some things out. This essay was a major tool for me to work out my frustrations (while I never actually have anything directed at her.) Also after this paper I did finally get over myself and starting being more outgoing.

So please forgive the angst and enjoy:

Ninety Minutes In The Head Of The Over Thinker

Here I am the hopeless, foolish romantic. I have always dreamed of finding the girl that truly understands me, and to my astonishment I have found her. But sadly, I can’t find the courage that I always thought I would have, if I ever found her, to just ask her out. Even as I write this piece she is sitting in the weight room one floor below me, doing her student work study. I know more than likely she is bored out of her skull; yet, I am sitting here writing about how I wish I had the courage to ask her out. I could go down there and be the White Knight to save her from her prison of boredom, but no. Here I am, sitting. Sitting in an empty student lounge listening to Beck and writing about how I wish I had courage. Soy un perdedor.

Her friend tells me I should get with her; my friends tell me the same--even the people I tutor tell me I should. Everyone thinks we should get together, but I still fail daily. I guess it would help if I had someone tell me that she feels the same. Just something to tell me I am not barking up the wrong tree. I need something, just something, to tell me that my investment in her isn’t going to turn south and bankrupt my emotions. I don’t think I can handle another bad investment.

It doesn’t help my situation that this woman is perfection incarnate. She is just like me; actually she is even worse than me in a certain sense. She is a shut in, a prisoner of her own emotions who is afraid to be close to another. She, just like me is career minded. Almost all of our classes are together and yet I am sitting here alone. I could be down there studying for the next exam, practicing our speeches, or even just chatting. She is the one I dreamed about, prayed about, and thought about. As corny as it sounds, she is constantly running laps in my mind. She is so beautiful and perfect, yet, I can’t get my act straight. Why?

Could it be that I’ve never really had a relationship? No, it isn’t that either, as she is as lonely as me. Could it be I never felt love? No. Could it be that I have negative body issues? That may be true, but it’s not likely. She has the same thoughts about herself, too. Could it be that I am so afraid of getting hurt and crushed that I can’t feel close to anyone, even if she is the one I have always dreamt about? Probably, I have been hurt so much in the past that I have become this callous jerk, or at least try to be. Yet around her I am . . . I am . . . I am . . . at a loss for words. I can’t be mean, I can’t be hateful, I can’t be angry. I am unable to push her away. I am opening up to her and setting myself up for another fall. This time I think it’s going to be hard, slow, and painful. I feel as if I am ripping my heart out of my chest slowly, tentatively and ever so slightly that I am unaware of what I am doing it until it’s already out of my chest, in my hand, beating in front of my face, and staring at me with its screaming, shrilling stare.

Wait, just wait. What if things go right? What if she is the one; the one; the sweet, glorious one? What if she is the one meant for me? What if she is feeling the same things? It’s possible. What if she is sitting down there wanting me to show that I DO want her? What if she is being callous and afraid to feel love? What if, what if, what if: I am the man who has lived on what if’s. I always think so far ahead that I often overshoot the goal. I am an over thinker, a cynic. I gave up my thoughts that love is real long ago I gave up hope that I would find her, the girl of my dreams, but God has sent me this angel that just smacks me in the face so hard that it shatters all my theories on love. She is everything that I wanted, everything I needed—at least thought I needed.

Why don’t I just go down there? Why don’t I ask her out? Why don’t I be the man that I have always thought I am, and go down there? Why can’t I? Am I such a loser and anti-social freak that I can’t even go down stairs and just say, “Hey!”?

Well, it’s almost time to start this roller coaster of emotion again. In about fourteen minutes she will be off and probably come in here and chat to me. I will again feel like I am falling for her, and probably at the end of the day I will feel like I don’t exist and I’m just some jerk that won’t leave her alone. Well, I just shared about ninety minutes of my life--Ninety of the LONGEST MINUTES of my life.